10 years ago on Memorial Day weekend I went to a hotel to plan my death, I was locked in pain that I couldn’t handle anymore. My sister came to visit me while I was there to let me know my father only had a couple months to live. Most healing happens after the death of something, even though there is so much pain in death.
Last week I went out to run a quick errand in the morning. I was only gone about 20 minutes, but when I returned there was 3 strangers on my property taking mangoes from my tree! I didn’t make a peep. I am
Many years ago my family planned a camping trip in the middle of winter, a very exciting time for us all. While packing and beginning to leave all the preparations were made. As we began to leave I remembered thinking…..is
Recently I’ve become very adventurous. I love trying new things. Well, a few weeks ago, I decided to go snorkeling in the Keys. I had been only snorkeling one time in the ’80s. Truth be told, I’m not a good
Depression is not something you just get over. Since being diagnosed with severe chronic depression almost 20 year ago, I have heard every possible good natured “cure” imaginable. “You can just get over it.” It’s just feelings.” “Have you prayed about it”. “Other people have it worse than you do.” “Be a man.” “Read your Bible more.” The list does go on and some of them even work for a short period of time, but not for long.
I suffer from sever chronic depression. There are days getting out of bed is impossible the emotional pain is too much. I have thought of suicide more than once, and prayed God would take my life. I didn’t want it anymore. But in that room and in that moment I knew there was a higher calling for me and purpose for the pain. I knew God was speaking to me. Telling me that he wasn’t going to take the pain away, but I was to use it to create. I was to write, to act, to direct, and to feel free to do public speaking. This was what I was created to do and I had not yet even begun.
I received a call at work telling me that our youngest son had had a psychotic break and been picked up by the police and taken to the emergency room. What did that mean? I had no clue what the word “psychotic” meant. What in the world was going on? I could barely breathe. I left work and rushed to the hospital. I’ll never forget entering that bare locked room in the emergency department. There was my precious 17- year- old son lying all alone with a look of utter terror on his face. He was staring at the ceiling in silence. I took his cold hand and began to gently talk to him.
I was in love, with that pill. I could feel good even though I was hurting on the inside. But that ended in disaster and I tried to take my life.
A different kind of counseling is called for when communicating with someone who cares for a loved one with mental illness. This is due to the fact that mental illness prohibits those affected by it from perceiving life in the same way as those whose minds are healthy. Depending on the illness, it may be difficult for a mentally ill person to distinguish between reality and non-reality.
What I wanted, needed and waited for my whole life……
I always longed for my moms love and approval. She was very abusive to me. I was taken away from her at 12 years old. Yet the longing for her love and approval never stopped..When I had my son Chris she showed up at the hospital. I got so excited and thought I was going to finally have what I longed for. We stayed in contact, but never seem to meet her approval. It was very unhealthy, but I was relentless in pursuing that love and approval.
It’s so easy to expect others to give you want you need and want. I just wanted to know love, to feel love. Loved for who I was, not fit in to another’s expectation of what they wanted me to be. I spent my whole life performing for that love and acceptance. I was wounded and to say the least very tormented. Which led to drug addiction to mask the pain and that was the only time I felt good, but it was never enough and only added to my pain. I caused much pain to others. I tried so hard to get people to love me, but only ended up destroying the relationship’s. I ended up hopeless, not because God wasn’t able to help me, but because I couldn’t believe that He loved me or even wanted too.