What I wanted, needed and waited for my whole life……
I always longed for my moms love and approval. She was very abusive to me. I was taken away from her at 12 years old. Yet the longing for her love and approval never stopped..When I had my son Chris she showed up at the hospital. I got so excited and thought I was going to finally have what I longed for. We stayed in contact, but never seem to meet her approval. It was very unhealthy, but I was relentless in pursuing that love and approval. I kept thinking if I could just act the way she wants me to, then she will accept me and we can be close. But I was always doing something to upset her.
I found out from her in my thirties that she had been abused as a child. That helped me to understand her pain, but didn’t take away from what I longed for.
Often we are so blinded to other’s pain, because we are stuck in our own pain.Needless to say even though we were talking, she was still upset with me about something. She seemed to just stay mad at me. But my efforts just went on to gain that love and approval. In the process I destroyed relationships from people that already loved and accepted me.
Then in my early forties we found out my mom was dying from cancer. She was bedridden and my sister and I would take turns taking care of her. But of course she would say, Sharon you’re a terrible nurse. That made me so mad and hurt. My mom is dying before my eyes. I need her love and approval. Time was running out.Then one afternoon she said, Sharon even though you’re a terrible nurse, you’re a great comforter. I couldn’t believe it! She found something good in me. She asked me to get in bed with her because she wanted me near. She said I made her feel safe. I would play Christian music to her and read the bible to her. It was God’s love she was receiving through me.
She looked at me in my eyes and started to cry. She confessed all the regrets, pain she caused me. She told me how much guilt she had in all the pain and suffering she put me through. She told me how sorry she was and how she would worry about me the most after she passed, because she knew I din’t feel love or accepted. She told me that she admired me and wanted to be just like me. And how much she hated herself.
So her I lay with my mom and she is holding me like a mom holds her new baby and were both sobbing never wanting this moment to end. She had loved me, she had accepted me all along. She was just filled with so much of her pain-she didn’t know how to let go of her pain to be able to show me her love and acceptance.
Wanting My Mom’s Love