As I write this, I am sitting in a parking lot planning my next binge eating session at a Chinese restaurant. I am alone and emotional. I am not going out to have dinner with friends and have a good time. I am not eating to nurture my body. I am eating to get high. I am eating to mask my emotions.
I quit using drugs and alcohol over 4 years ago, but I cannot seem to gain victory over this last demon: My eating disorder. The first time I ever made myself throw up I was 14, I had watched a show on MTV titled “True life: I am”. The show was not meant to glamorize eating disorders, but it taught me how to make myself puke on command. I was in love. I felt so in control, like I had this secret weapon no one knew about. I felt like I had a superpower.
I continued to research online, I found pro-eating disorder websites and took notes. I read about what to eat that made it easier to purge, tips and tricks etc. It is so sick that these websites are out there, catering to young girls and women everywhere. We are taught by Seventeen magazine to look like these Disney starlets who have perfect skin and skinny bodies with hair extensions that are 15 feet long. We are taught we need to “do these 5 things to get him to notice you!”. No wonder we think this way.
It is hard not to become a sheep in this day and age, our generation is so obsessed with self. Social media destroys our thinking and makes us constantly compare ourselves to others. It is exhausting. I am exhausted. I envy these “fit moms” and healthy women who post every gluten-free soy vegan thingamabob they eat on Facebook. I want to punch them in their cute little abs that are covered by expensive workout clothes.
Here I am 15 years later, still struggling with the same damn thing. I would like to add that I have never been a skinny girl, I always felt like I was doing it wrong because I couldn’t get thin. It’s not about the size of my body, it’s about the emotions and the insanity. It’s about throwing up into a plastic bag in a parking lot, it’s about counting calories like a mathematician, it’s about how uncomfortable I am in my own stretch mark laced skin. I sought help with an ED sponsor about 2 years ago when I had purged so much that the blood vessels burst all around my eyes.. it looked like I had been beaten. I looked in the mirror and saw myself and realized this is not normal.
A few weeks went by and I had re-gained control, told myself I was fine. And I was fine for a while! But it’s that damn monster of addiction, it pops back up when you least expect it. Recently I discovered laxatives. Vomiting takes a toll on my body and my blood vessels burst every time, so I had to find another way. These little orange pills have felt like freedom lately.. but feelings are what get me into trouble. They may feel like freedom when I pop them into my mouth, but I am in bondage. I hold back tears as I write this, my life has been chaotic lately.
A few of my closest loved ones have relapsed on drugs, my family is always struggling in one way or another. Eating makes me forget it all, if even just for a minute. It is my escape, it is my drug. I can feel myself becoming willing to try to change again. I hope to write another blog in the future titled “EATING DISORDER SUCCESS STORY!”. But for now.. I will simply share my struggle with you, in hopes someone who is going through the same thing doesn’t feel so alone.
We are in this together. Whether you are struggling with body image, eating disorder, self-esteem, sex addiction, whatever! It’s all in the same family, and that’s what we are. We are family, humans, we are flawed, and we are often broken. The good news is we don’t have to stay broken, and we can start piecing ourselves back together little by little. I plan to seek out an ED sponsor again soon, for a long time I wasn’t willing, but I can slowly feel this stage coming to an end. I have been laxative and purge free for 6 days. I am stronger than I think, and I have to remember that. So if you take away anything from this blog, take this: You are not alone, you are stronger than you think, and we are in this together.