I grew up believing love had to be earned.
I came from an abusive family. My family members were so wounded from their pasts that they didn’t know how to love. It was passed down to them. My mom and dad never talked about their pain. They just kept it a secret, yet they both were hurting so much. It came out in anger in my mom. My dad suffered with mental illness and addictions.
My parents divorced when I was 8. That’s when everything started to change. My mom was drinking a lot and always mad at me. I got into drugs at the age of 11 and by the time I was 12 I was taken away from my mom because of the abuse. I went to live with my dad and my drug use just got worse.
I ended up in jail at the age of 13. They turned me over to the state and put me in a mental institution. I spent the next 4 years in there. It was the same way in there: be good or else you would be put in seclusion. I was sexually abused as well. At the age of 17 I asked to be let out and try on my own. I got out but didn’t know how to function in the real world. So I went right back to drugs and ended up worse than before. At the age of 19 I turned my life over to God. I tried to live for Him the same way: be good and He would love me. I never felt good enough. I didn’t understand His love.
I spent many years trying to look good and be good. I put this same kind of love on my family. In 1997 I ended up in the emergency room and I was given pain pills. I was in love, with that pill. I could feel good even though I was hurting on the inside. But that ended in disaster and I tried to take my life. I felt like God had failed me and I had failed Him. But God had other plans for me.
3 days after the serious suicide attempt, my daughter found me. I couldn’t believe I had lived and I knew then, God really loved me. I’ve been on this journey of seeking God’s real love since then ( 2007 ). It has been a journey and I’m passionate about sharing and helping people know God’s real love. I’ve been working in the recovery field since 2008.I want to help rebuild Gods love to all.