10 years ago on Memorial Day weekend I went to a hotel to plan my death, I was locked in pain that I couldn’t handle anymore. My sister came to visit me while I was there to let me know my father only had a couple months to live. Most healing happens after the death of something, even though there is so much pain in death.
Depression is not something you just get over. Since being diagnosed with severe chronic depression almost 20 year ago, I have heard every possible good natured “cure” imaginable. “You can just get over it.” It’s just feelings.” “Have you prayed about it”. “Other people have it worse than you do.” “Be a man.” “Read your Bible more.” The list does go on and some of them even work for a short period of time, but not for long.
I suffer from sever chronic depression. There are days getting out of bed is impossible the emotional pain is too much. I have thought of suicide more than once, and prayed God would take my life. I didn’t want it anymore. But in that room and in that moment I knew there was a higher calling for me and purpose for the pain. I knew God was speaking to me. Telling me that he wasn’t going to take the pain away, but I was to use it to create. I was to write, to act, to direct, and to feel free to do public speaking. This was what I was created to do and I had not yet even begun.